Chapter Forty: The Uses of Toilet Paper

The imperial kitchen was very close to the Hall of Mental Cultivation, so it wasn’t long before a large wood-fired cauldron was carried in. Upon smelling the preparation, Liu Tan rose and left the hall, with the three empresses following close behind.

In the main courtyard just outside the hall, Liu Tan gave orders for the cauldron to be set up and filled with water. As the firewood was ignited beneath, it would still be a while before the water came to a boil. Liu Tan then instructed the guards to split more firewood into ever smaller pieces, and after a flurry of activity, the wood was reduced to shavings. Once the water boiled, the prepared wood shavings were tossed into the pot to cook.

During this interval, all the other necessary materials arrived one after another. Even the stone mill, which Liu Tan had thought to request only moments before, was brought over by the guards from the kitchens.

Liu Tan approached the stone mill. The upper and lower millstones were thick and solid, much more efficient than pounding rice with a pestle, and beneath the millstone was a circular trough perfect for collecting the wood pulp.

The pulp used for toilet paper had to be extremely fine; the wood shavings could not be ground down in a single pass, so the process would have to be repeated several times.

After some time, the water in the cauldron began to boil, and the wood shavings tumbled within. As time passed, the water level gradually dropped, some evaporating away, but most being absorbed by the wood shavings.

“Add more water, and keep boiling!” Liu Tan carefully scooped out a piece of wood shaving, broke it apart, and seeing that the core was still dry, gave his order.

After repeating this process several times, Liu Tan checked again. This time, the shavings had fully absorbed the water and had softened significantly under the high heat, easily crumbling between his fingers.

He then ordered for a ladleful of the wood and water mixture to be poured onto the stone mill, with a bucket placed beneath the trough to collect the pulp, and ordered the guards to turn the mill.

As the mill turned, the shavings were ground into pulp, which flowed down into the bucket.

For an entire afternoon, Liu Tan supervised the guards as they ground the shavings, until the pulp’s fineness met his standards.

To keep the pulp flowing, water had to be added during the milling process.

Thus, before everyone now stood several buckets of cloudy wood pulp.

Now, the prepared silk finally came into play. Liu Tan ordered four people to stretch out the silk, and had the wood pulp water poured little by little over the fabric. The water seeped through the silk’s fine weave, leaving only the pulp behind.

Once most of the pulp was filtered, Liu Tan personally scraped it off the silk and heaped it onto a prepared wooden board.

A whole cauldron of wood yielded only a basin-sized mound of pulp, about five inches high. But for an experiment, it was enough.

Liu Tan picked up a rectangular wooden block, originally used for making tables and chairs, its surfaces smooth and flat—perfect for spreading the pulp.

He used the block to evenly smooth the pulp over the board. When the board was fully covered, Liu Tan bent to inspect it, muttering to himself, “A bit thick.”

He scraped it again, this time satisfied, tossed aside the block, dusted off his hands, and declared, “It’s done!”

Everyone in the courtyard had spent the entire day following the emperor’s orders, and now all eyes turned to the thin layer of pulp on the board.

Except for the three empresses, the others were utterly bewildered. No one understood what this thin layer of pulp meant.

Though they were full of questions, no one dared speak out. Who would dare interrupt the emperor? Even the three empresses said nothing.

Liu Tan waved a hand. “You’ve all worked hard today; you may go now!”

At this, the group seemed as if granted amnesty, bowed, and quickly dispersed.

Ever since the three empresses had taken up residence in the Hall of Mental Cultivation, there had been much less need for their eunuchs and maids.

Once all the guards, eunuchs, and maids had left the courtyard, the three empresses finally gathered round the wooden board for a closer look.

In front of the servants, they had to maintain their dignity and mystique.

“Your Majesty, is it finished?” the empress asked.

“Of course! In a few days, you can try it yourselves!” Liu Tan patted his chest in assurance.

He paused, then pointed at the empress’s hairpin. “By the way, Empress, may I borrow your hairpin for a moment?”

Though puzzled, the empress removed her hairpin and handed it to him.

Liu Tan used the sharp end of the pin to score straight lines horizontally and vertically across the pulp, dividing it into nearly identical squares.

He was careful to make each piece about half the size of an A4 sheet—so that once the pulp dried, it would be easy to remove from the board without tearing.

He returned the hairpin to the empress, who then asked, “Your Majesty, is there anything else to be done?”

Liu Tan glanced at the sky, where stars were beginning to appear. There would be no rain for the next couple of days, so he said, “Eat and sleep! Standing all day has worn me out!” With a chuckle, he added, “And I saw that the embroidery workshop sent you another batch of clothes today!”

At this, the three ladies blushed.

…….

Two days later, after finishing his martial practice, Liu Tan returned to the courtyard with Little Monkey, only to find the three empresses there, each holding a yellowish sheet of paper, examining and discussing them under the sunlight.

“Sister, this is so soft! Can it really be used for…?” Lady Wang asked.

The empress nodded. She held the sheet in one hand and, with a finger from the other, lightly poked the paper. It made no sound but was instantly pierced through.

“Can this really be used? What if it tears and makes a mess?” Lady Li said, her face full of worry and an odd expression.

Lady Wang seemed ready to add her opinion, but upon noticing Liu Tan, simply pursed her lips in silence.

“Your Majesty, look!” The empress also spotted him and hurried over. “Your Majesty, this paper is so fragile—it tears with just a poke! How can it be used for such… such purposes?”

Perhaps realizing the impropriety of her words, the empress blushed and lowered her head.

Liu Tan took the sheet from her, feeling its softness. Its surface was crinkled, likely absorbent, and though the color was dull, it was in every respect standard toilet paper—except for the hole the empress had poked in it.

He patted his forehead. Even in his previous life, toilet paper could be torn with a finger!

Resigned, he explained, “Empress, this paper is meant for wiping, not poking. If you’re worried about tearing, just fold it over a few times.” As he spoke, he folded the paper into quarters, making it palm-sized, and handed it back to her. “Now try poking—see if it’s harder to tear?”

The empress poked it again as before and delightedly exclaimed, “It’s true! It’s much tougher now!”

“Exactly,” Liu Tan nodded, glancing over at the three ladies. “The area to be wiped isn’t large—folding it once or twice more, it’ll do the job!”

The three of them flushed a deep red.

Still embarrassed? Liu Tan continued, “Why be embarrassed? Everyone eats and drinks, it’s only natural to, well, relieve oneself. It’s nothing to be shy about. Go ahead and gather up all the paper—try it for yourselves and see if it’s as useful as I say. I’m telling you, this paper has many uses: for wiping, for sweat, even after urinating—it’s clean and comfortable!”

With that, he left the three of them blushing in the breeze, and went inside for his bath.